Un-guarantees

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was, as protective, loving, true friends do, asking questions to protect me. She was asking questions in response to me sharing my recent decision to rebuild my marriage. My husband and I separated last summer after two difficult years of overcoming and not overcoming all that life brought our way. 

short-ish context; my partner’s wiring from childhood causes him to recoil from me during challenging times and, as a result, we’d inevitably enter a period of him stonewalling for varying periods of time. And, as my childhood wiring of anxious attachment would have it, I reach out harder, attempt to forge connection to force him to open back up. For quite some time, we were stuck in a repetitive and unhealthy cycle. One that I knew would continue for as long as I, or we, allowed it.  One I saw continue with my own parents for my entire childhood & early adulthood. This is why I decided to leave. I had to disrupt the pattern, even if that meant my marriage may end. 

As of right now, this was the scariest decision I’ve ever made. In fact, just typing it brings about big feelings. Big feelings of disbelief that this was/is my life. Every single Disney movie I ever watched throughout childhood guaranteed I’d have a ‘happily ever after’ — I was attached to this guarantee. And, I now sit here wondering how many of us are walking around attached to the ‘guarantees’ that our unconscious conditioning tells us we will experience? 

Back to the conversation with my friend, one question that really stuck with me was ‘how do you know this time around will be different?’ The hard, honest truth is, I absolutely do not know this time will be different. What I have learned is that even despite every best intention, in life there are not many, if any, guarantees.  Rather, I believe there are a lot of un-guarantees and I’m willing to hold onto the hope that with these un-guarantees may also come joy, connection & contentment.

I have been pregnant three times. Each time, devastatingly, the pregnancy ended early and along with this came deeply rooted heartbreak. Along this journey, our relationship became more and more disconnected. The happily ever after I was conditioned to believe would happen wasn’t. This hardened me for a while. The disillusioned guarantee of our happily ever after left me jaded and hard.

Then, throughout the 10 months of separation, something surprising happened — I found my renewed self and she was softening. It’s an odd realization: the only guarantee life provides is there is absolutely no guarantee. *big deep breath and shoulders softening*

My answer to my friend was one of odd, found certainty, “I don’t know this time will be different and also, I believe it can be.”  I feel relief with the acceptance of releasing any idea around any guarantee. Ironically, this release doesn’t make me feel jaded or hardened. It makes me feel faithful.  I believe in the self-work we each needed to do, and continue to do. I believe in the support of self-therapy that we’ve opted into over the last few months. I believe in the intentionality by which we are facing this rebuilding. I believe in our inevitable facing of future trials and challenges. I believe in our foundation reground in a shared faith in the divine.

What I found in the aftermath of three failed pregnancies, a failed [first attempt] marriage and ten months of separation, was resounding faith and she’s one fierce Queen. What faith, a fierce Queen, [& Brené Brown] have taught me is that in spite of the heartbreaking un-guarantees, I can absolutely keep going with a ‘strong back, soft front and wild heart*.’ I can choose to remain open to the potential of what is and what may be. I can choose to see myself and my strength through god, as the reason I can face any and all un-guarantees my future holds. 

As life may have it, the only sharing I can guarantee, is that life is going to hand me more un-guarantees, and I remain open to facing them —strong, soft, wild and full of faith. 

*strong back, soft front, wild heart is explored in Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown and if you haven’t read it, I couldn’t recommend it more. Brené first heard the phrase strong back, soft front from the teachings and wisdom of Joan Halifax.

seeing mother nature as the most profound example of strong back, soft front, wild heart.

writer’s additional note: I want to be absolutely clear that by no means am I suggesting that we offer strong back, soft front, wild heart in times we are being hurt, in danger or unsafe. I sit in a place of privilege to be able to experience this world as, for the most part, a safe space for me to operate this way — a white, cisgender woman with inherit safeties that come with this identity. In addition, an abusive relationship is not a space for this way of being. If you are experiencing domestic violence in your relationship there is help available through the National Domestic Violence hotline or by texting ‘start’ to 88788. Help is available and change is possible, please reach out.