The gift of capturing this growing baby is an example of sparkly awe. Thank you to my cousin, Amanda Collins, for your love, your talents and your gift of this sacred experience.

“Early stage spirituality is largely about identifying and releasing ourselves from [these] blockages by recognizing what an unconscious reservoir of expectations, assumptions, and beliefs we are already immersed in. If we do not see what is in our reservoir we will understand all new things in the same old patterned way — and nothing new will ever happen. A new idea held by the old self is never really a new idea, whereas even an old idea held by a new self will soon become fresh and refreshing. Contemplation actually fills our reservoir with clear, clean water that allows us to encounter experience free of old patterns.” — Father Richard Rohr, Just This

Hi there, just landing in your inbox for the final time before I welcome baby and, I’ll give a heads up, I’ve been in deep reflection on so much lately. Some of that includes what feels meaningful to share with you all in these final weeks before I welcome my little miracle. I haven’t landed on anything tidy but I’ve landed here… sharing the continual messy, yet awe-inducing part of my chapter that I am finally accepting as one that is just far beyond me.

As most know, I have a deep respect for the work of Brené Brown. In her most recent book Atlas of The Heart, the human experience of awe is described in chapter 4 titled “Places We Go When It’s Beyond Us.” I really feel that if I could title the chapter I’ve been in, it may be just that … places I go when it’s beyond me, completely beyond me. She shares that researchers have found that awe ‘leads people to cooperate, share resources, and sacrifice for others’ and causes them ‘to fully appreciate the value of others and see themselves more accurately, evoking humility.’ Furthermore, some researchers even believe that ‘awe-inducing events may be one of the fastest and most powerful methods of personal change and growth.’

Well, loves, I’m here to share in this month’s outreach, that for me I have found this to be absolutely true — the awe I have experience throughout this season has been some of the most powerful springboard for personal change and growth. Personal change and growth that requires me to notice my reservoir water and determine if this serves me and those I love. I share every word here with a deep appreciation for my people, an awakened sense of humility and a newfound, more accurate & growing sense of self.

Part of the awe has been due to my engagement in The Living School… the timing of this is beyond me. How divine the alignment of learning from some incredibly wise and spiritual humans to quite expansively …stop, be silent, breathe, be silent, breathe, notice, breathe, notice more, surrender, accept…in not only the months leading up to becoming a mom, but also in a season filled with such significant life shifts?

It’s probably not to anyone’s surprise based on my engagement with The Living School, that I am a spiritual person with a deep belief in a higher power. For me, that power is divine energy whom I lovingly refer to as the divine or god or loving one — the timing of participating in this course is truly a gift from the divine. It is supporting me in ways that feel like a nurturing hug pulling me towards inner reflection to notice my unconscious blockages and allow space for new, clear, clean water to fill this reservoir, so that I can enter into this exciting next chapter free [or freeing from] old patterns.

It’s been an awe-inducing season for me. In ways that induce awe that feels warm, exciting, invigorating and, to describe truthfully, sparkly. There are parts of this season that have felt like sparkly awe… like the Disney sparkle star that circles and lands on the castle right before the start of a Disney movie. Can you imagine and hear that feeling of awe? The growth happening in my womb has felt like that kind of awe. I am continually in awe thinking of every experience that lead to a human being born — this experience has been nothing shy of sparkly awe feeling and I am deeply grateful to have this redemptive experience of pregnancy.

And, there have been experiences of awe that felt like a slam of a door — startling, dark, pushing me to reconsider my entire route or approach to what I thought I’d head into through the next door. If my child reads this someday (many years down the road), I’d want them to know that while writing this, I presence a deep awareness that this is my version of my chapter, filled with my reservoir water, so not only do I hold this to be true but I would uncomfortably ask anyone reading to also hold this truth present as I share. I use uncomfortably ask because it feels a whole lot more comfortable to say, this is my story and this is the story :) but that wouldn’t exactly be applying any of the growth edges I have leaned into and growing is uncomfortable. I want that to be one of the foundational lessons I teach my child, for it’s certainly what they have already taught me. Alas, I ask us to hold the lens of knowing that with my sharing are the stories and experiences of those mentioned that go unspoken here in my singular perspective.

At week 17 of my pregnancy James (my husband, whom I had been rebuilding life with) shared that his focus had shifted to different personal goals and he wanted to be in sole pursuit of those personal goals — family was no longer one of them. While I may never understand what reservoir he was immersed in that brought about this sharing or feelings, I knew and still know that the only part of this experience I could/can impact is my response. How could I hold that knowing and move forward with baby’s best interest at the center of my decision making? To learn this felt soul-shattering and I have moved forward in the 20 weeks that have followed in the pregnancy without him experiencing it with me. This has been an immense experience of door slamming awe, one that I’m still significantly grappling with and yet finding ways to hold with more ease in each passing day.

A few days after this, I had the largest scare of this pregnancy — a bleed so severe I thought for certain the pregnancy was ending. Thankfully, by the graces of the divine, I had a doctor appointment already scheduled for 60 minutes from when the bleeding began. My two soul-sisters, Betsy & Kelly, came within a moments notice to hold me, prayer over me, and drive me to the doctor. I will never ever be able to convey the gratitude & love I have for them as they stood surrounding me in the waiting room, arms wrapped around me shielding me from having to face anyone or any part of the waiting room until we were called back for the sonogram. Within moments, there on the screen the littlest, strongest human-being shined so bright, moving, and thriving — immensely sparkly awe-inducing. We held hands and wept. What a deeply cleansing reservoir moment. This deepened my conviction to prioritize my baby’s well-being above all else.

From here, I learned that the bleed was due to placenta previa and that to protect my growing baby, I’d have to be on a restful, low-stress journey moving forward. I moved in with Betsy about two days later and for the next three months we spent some of the sweetest moments slowly walking Zeke and Teddy together, having quiet prayer time and beaming over the continued and clear growth of baby. I may quite literally always weep when I think of what this time meant for me. What her joyful, steadfast love and sisterhood did for my soul and, above all, did for baby’s soul. My friends near and far, lovingly known as my framily, have stepped in to support me in the most enriching of ways. To each member of my framily near & far, I am so deeply, deeply, deeply grateful to you. I love you immensely. You are each moments of sparkly awe.

In the midst of this time, I was job hunting — applying and catching rejections like a charcuterie platter in the middle of a summer picnic, catches flies. It was defeating to say the least. I gave myself until January when I was in the final interview for two roles before making the decision to finish my pregnancy in Charlotte or move home to have the steady support of my family. At this point, my finances were completely drained and there was no other path forward without securing full-time employment. Come end of January and two BIG flies land on the charcuterie board — two final rejections from those final interviews. From here, my mother/my lead Earthly Soul-Guardian, stepped into action to plan my return to Buffalo. She and my co-lead Earthly Soul-Guardian my sister, Lauren, flew down and drove me, Zeke and Major back to Buffalo two weeks later. James and I made the very difficult decision to split the dogs up — Junie was in my life for only 6 months solo before James entered our lives. She adores him and is calmest when he’s around. It was best for her to remain with him and the boys to come with me to restart in Buffalo. Leaving those I love in Charlotte induced more feelings of door-slamming awe.

Before leaving Charlotte I had one last appointment with my maternal fetal medicine team to check my placenta previa — and what a divine moment to hear my placenta had moved and was now safely sitting away from my cervix. I could move forward with that confidence. What started as door slamming awe, turned sparkly — the realization of how many people I have in my corner, rooting for me and lifting me + the truth that things can change so quickly — what sparkly awe.

Then come my last two communications, where I ambiguously share much of what I’ve conveyed here without really sharing any of it. Since moving back to Buffalo, I have been in awe of how my family receives me. Their outpouring of love and support is sparkly awe inducing. My mother has quite literally opened her palms, home, and heart to me, the pups and baby for anything we may ever need. My 6 year old nephew and godson, Griffin, has shown such an outpouring of enthusiasm over the baby that I can’t even put it into words. It is the sparkliest of awe I’ve felt from another human along this journey — his reservoir is so full of love, joy, wonder and awe. He inspires me to recognize the reservoir I’m immersed in and do everything within my power to clean it out so that I can share in this sparkly awe reservoir for my child, for him and the many years to come here on Earth.

And that brings me to today, where I share all of this with you in an effort to clean my reservoir and open connection if you find yourself in the midst of conflicting awe. While I have no idea what is to come, I know that what I intend to do is sustain clear, clean water free of old patterns — I can release the residue left from door-slamming awe and lean into the momentum of sparkly awe. I can nourish my reservoir to sustain sparkly awe and face the not so sparkly with greater faith in this being a part of the journey, not the whole journey. I can remain in acceptance that my reservoir is the only one I have the ability to identify and release blockages from, and I remain in acceptance that everyone can be on their own journey to tend to their reservoir, should they choose to.

I am so grateful for each of you reading…each of you supporting me… each of you loving me.

I promise to share an update in May (much shorter) with the most sparkly awe I’ve experienced as of yet, the news of my baby’s arrival.

With deepest gratitude and love,

Caitlin

cleaning my reservoir before baby…

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