9 Months A Mama
It has been nine months since my son made his incredible entrance from my womb into this very large, oftentimes overwhelming, world. He has been Earth-side for as long as he was growing womb-side. It has been nine months unlike any other in my entire life. He has opened me, challenged me, loved me, inspired me, and grounded me. For me, these nine months a mama have been the absolute most beautiful and challenging experience I have every had. I have found myself feeling deeply connected to the holy spirit, to the divine, to the power that made him possible. I am changed. I am grateful.
I haven’t written in these nine months and I have grown in accepting that is okay. As much as I wanted to be the new mom that journaled and made the very detailed, in depth baby book in the moment, I haven’t been that version of a mom I had in mind. What I have been, I am proud of and I hold space for that detailed and beautiful baby book in the future :)
I have done what I can to focus on what is here, what is now, and that largely is the gift of time that I have had to soak in all of Archer Phoenix Collins. I have pulled myself into deep and intentional presence with him. I soak in his round, rosy cheeks, his long eyelashes, his deep ocean blue eyes, his small but growing hands, his contagious smile, his sweet and developing personality. He is determined, loving, joyful, social, curious and resilient. I am in awe that he was chosen for me. He is the redemption I never knew possible. I am changed. I am grateful.
As time ticks by, I ask it to slow down. I yearn for the moments to simmer longer, to stay in this innocent and mesmerizing bubble with my baby for as long as humanly possible — for I know it will not last forever. In month six of being a mama, our family experienced the loss of my father’s Earthly presence. He transitioned to his afterlife on October 18. In the days, weeks and months that have followed, I have not only thought about him at each stage Archer has been in and found healing there, I have also felt his presence through Archer and have found even more healing there. I know that he sees the mother I am and I know with deep conviction that he loves and adores my son, wholly. The juxtaposition of joy and grief has made love and wholeness feel even more important to me.
Becoming an Earth-side mama has brought out parts of me I knew were there, I just didn’t know how to access, yet. Turns out, sometimes all it takes is time and an awe-inspiring little human to bring out the best of us. I feel my soul has been seasoned with new zest and purpose. I am feeling determined to be the healthiest, most grounded, most present version of myself for Archer, and for me. For I do not want this time to pass and have regrets on being distracted or moving so quickly I did not take the time to soak in this stage of life fully. I am changed. I am grateful.
Nine months a mama and forever changed.
Thank you for reading and being on this journey with me.
Deep love and gratitude from my seasoned, grateful, changed heart.
Caitlin
